Personal Life Update: Rare Consistency

I joined Cross Country when I was in high school, and was pretty mediocre, at first, but the summer between 9th and 10th grade, I ran laps around my driveway (we lived on what was an old farm, so the driveway consisted of two parallel farm lanes that may have been 1/8 mile in circuit) for 20-30 minutes every/other day. It made enough of a difference that by the spring, I was in such good shape that I decided to take things up a notch. Instead of just running for time, I would time my runs and go for distance. And between the summer after 10th grade, and the end of the Fall season in 12th grade, I managed to run nearly every single day (missing a grand total of 20 or 30 days, perhaps), getting to the point where an average run could easily be a 4-mile or 6-mile jog with the mile-splits between 7:00 and 6:20 minutes. I loved the energy I had as a result, and I want to get back to that. It's only been about 8 years since I fell off my hardcore "run every day" routine, but it looks like I'm finally getting back to it.

Following is a record of my runs (longer than 1 mile at a time -- seriously, if your heart rate isn't at target for more than 5 minutes, it's not worth keeping track of), where splits are separated by commas, and stretches with a walk in between are separated by a colon.

Wednesday, July 29: Run 0520 @ 7:20,7:55,9:35  ; 8:35 Friday, July 31: Run 0525 @ 7:50,8:10,9:30  ; 8:10

Tuesday, August 4: 1mi @ 8:10
Wednesday, August 5: Run 0555 @ 7:52,8:12,9:16  ; 8:15 . Thursday, Aug 6: Run @ 7:45,8:07,9:21 ; 7:52 Friday, Aug 7: Run @ 8:05,8:30,9:45 ; 7:45 Saturday, Aug 8: Run 0535 @ 7:50,7:45,8:50  ; 7:15

Did you see that? ^ I've managed to control my schedule enough that I've run each of the last 4 days in a row  -- did I mention that all of these runs are pre-dawn runs, so that I can escape horse-flies and energy-draining sunlight? I'm so excited :D

My heart rate within the first 30 seconds after any of these runs has tended to be 160 beats per minute. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's statistically normal for a strenuous workout according to the little chart at the Y.

Some things that are neat for me to note: my first miles are not stellar--but can be, as the July 29 run shows--part of this is that I've been dealing with figuring out how to avoid chafing my heel. Every day a different part of the body feels whiny, but it loosens up after 2 miles, which I find extremely gratifying -- running makes your body feel less achey? Sign me up!

Also, the standard deviations of the individual runs appear to be diminishing, meaning that my performance is getting more consistent per every individual mile, as opposed to getting really good first miles but worse later miles. Compare the 29th with today, for example. There's a 2:10 minute range for my splits on the 29th, and only 1 minute for today's 3-miler. This shows in my enthusiasm for the 4th mile on each day -- it was worse than my first mile on the day I "bit off more than I could chew," but today I had enough oomph in me to run harder on the return mile. Arguably, though, every time I push myself, it improves my ability to do the same work next time. It's just a matter of pounding the pavement, and soon enough I'll be back to breaking the 7-minute barrier without totally gassing myself.

official Phys. Exam bp: 112/70. Good, but can be better! :D. A young woman in my summer class had a blood pressure of 90/45, I kid you not. The professor explained that as long as you're not dizzy, faint, or weak, the lower the better. Such a low blood pressure (she'd been running 4 miles every day and was training for a (half?) marathon) is indicative of an extremely efficient cardiovascular system. The heart doesn't have to work as hard, and the vessels are in such good condition that there's next to zero risk of hypertension or the associated atherosclerosis/blood clots/strokes that come with high blood pressure. I don't know if I can drop down to her level, but it's something to shoot for.

That's where I am in my journey to become hard-core, once again. :)

~ Rak Chazak

Adultification III: Taxes and Deductions

I've figured it out a little more.

Last year, when I filed for the first time (to my understanding I hadn't been required to file previously because I'd been a full time student and made less than some threshold amount of money--though because I didn't think about it, I would essentially have been giving free money away to the government, sadly), I got every cent of income tax back, both from the federal government and my state government.

What that led to was my mistaken understanding that the standard deduction was a maximum value on the amount of money you would automatically get back in taxes from the government. Say you make $10,000 in one year, and your standard deduction is $3,000. State and federal taxes add up to about 30% altogether, so because the deduction is higher than the amount of income tax that was deducted from your W-2, you get all of it back.

That was incorrect, and I learned how it actually works, this time around.

When the online preparation software I was using didn't automatically tabulate my full amount of income tax as the refund I was supposed to be getting, I was confused and concerned that because I'd initially said I wanted to itemize deductions, that I'd messed up the software and it wasn't giving me the right numbers. It was in the process of actually going through the previewable 1040 that the software provided for me, that I understood how it was all being calculated.

Now I know that neither the 'standard deduction' nor the 'student loan interest rate deduction' are gratis cash-back maximum allowances. Instead, they are subtracted from your gross income, and then taxes are calculated based on that new number (the AGI, or Adjusted Gross Income). The difference between these taxes and the taxes you actually paid is refunded to you.

Chances are I'm still somewhat ignorant, but at least there's been progress. :)

So the reason I got all my income tax back last year wasn't because the standard deduction was higher than my income tax -- it was because the standard deduction was higher than my gross income! That meant that my AGI, the taxable income I earned, went to $0, and hence I owed no income tax.

Yeah, I didn't make a lot of money last year. That's mainly because I didn't start working until August, so I accrued a little less than a half year's wages altogether.

So if you have student loan interest to pay, just understand: it's not the case that you get every dollar of it that you pay, back. That was what I mistakenly thought for a while (something seemed off). But it will reduce the amount of your income that gets taxed, leading to a larger refund. So if you can afford to pay your loan interest, go ahead. But it's not free money you're getting back; you are still paying money, net-wise.

Hope this was helpful or entertaining, depending on where you fall on the spectrum of understanding taxes.

~ Rak Chazak

Personal Life Update: Admission Applications

Details are omitted for reasonable reasons.

I'm halfway through the application and enrollment processes at two higher education institutions: one a community college and the other a university. Until this fall, I didn't have a clear conception of what specific career goals I wished to aim toward, and was wary of making decisions without the requisite information to make them well. But now, I have a notion of what to do with my degree, and consequently, know what I need to do to get from here to there. First I learned about accreditation agencies that can certify you for a specific career position, and then I found different accredited programs around where I live. I picked two institutions for their relative convenience in terms of location to me, and am intending to conclude the bulk of the remaining prerequisite courses at the community college, while applying to be wait-listed in the mean-time at the university, for the Fall 2015 program.

Now it's a waiting game of two sorts: waiting to be admitted, and then waiting to see if I make it into the actual courses that I'll be wait-listed for. Being on the wait list is not a death sentence, it usually is as good as getting into the course itself, because a fair number of people are often bound to drop the course or fail to meet criteria and be removed administratively, opening up slots for you. So I'm fairly confident in getting the prereq's out of the way. This will make me higher ranked for the 2-year program I'm applying to, so that when they run numbers before the Summer, and then again before the Fall, I'll likely move up and have a much better shot at securing a position. The other thing to "wait" for is the question of financial aid. I'm almost guaranteed to get loans like the ones I already hold, but finding need-based grants and scholarships would be nice.

The specifics of the outcome belong to the Almighty. But I learned this wisdom from a speaker at one of the few Cru meetings I attended one semester: that (using a Biblical example, he asserted) stepping out in faith is the mark of obediently waiting on God. Faith is not total resignation and waiting for God to do everything. Faith is knowing what is in accordance with the will of God, seeking to do it, and praying for Him to lead you to the right conclusion. Whether God answers your prayer or not, you still act in faith. By trying to accomplish something, you give Him the divine prerogative He deserves, to decide the outcome. But if you refuse to try to accomplish something, such that it is impossible, then you are not being faithful and waiting, you are essentially trying to control the outcome by limiting yourself to the option of failure. "You do not receive because you do not ask." (James 4:2) Faithfulness involves both asking God for help, and striving to be obedient whatever the outcome. It is not one or the other; it is not doing nothing, and waiting for God to move, and it is not trying to do things in your own power, for God.

If I don't apply, I can't be accepted. Only by applying, can I have the option of either being accepted or denied entry into a course/program. So which one of these confers more glory to God? The one where He can bless your obedience or the one where He'd have to perform miracles to alter the nature of reality just to give you the good things He desires?

I feel good, because I know that it's wise to improve my marketability as a suitable employee for the particular field I have in mind. I also know that a good work ethic and personal responsibility is pleasing to God. And I know that whatever the outcome, it's solely in His control, because I made sure to pray beforehand, that whatever I pursue would be the path that He intends, and that I do nothing from the strength of my own flesh but by His Spirit.

Stepping out in obedient faith. Now it will be exciting to see what God will do with it.

~ Rak Chazak

Flashback: Reflection on Social Stratus

It's indeed "stratus," not "status." Level based on financial assets, not esteem based on political success in the realm of public personality. This was a text:

I recall a classmate back in high school once described his family as "middle class," because they only owned one yacht and had a 5-bathroom house on waterfront property. That was my first recollectable introduction to the idea that there are big differences between tiers in the middle class. 

I'd have to honestly say that I'm middle class (one-family home, college educated, never missed payments on utilities growing up, one car per person [now!]), but definitely LOWER middle class (no cell phone until age of 19; no cable tv; no disposable income; underemployed; highly infrequent rate of 'going out' to movies, let alone restaurants anymore, etc; 8 new major articles of clothing in the last 3 years; drained or insufficient safety net/rainy day fund; no savings worthy of the name; no bi-monthly dinner parties like our neighbors; no dental visit in 1.5 years; etc)

Also, no second homes, second cars, RVs, ATVs, boats, etc. 1 or 2 acre property. No owned stocks or other investments. 

We have enough to not feel impoverished, but we don't have enough to have a sense of optimism with respect to finances. My parents have no retirement outlook apart from the sale of the house at some future date. I have enough money saved to pay for TWO college courses, or car insurance and food to keep me alive for c. 1 year, if I lose everything else. We have just enough to feel the pressure from what we lack.

And from a standpoint of pride and grace, I appreciate the place I've grown up in so much; there's neither a strong impulse of bitterness nor arrogance. I have things, which let me be grateful for the gift of possessing them, to God; and I lack a great many things as well, which give me a mindset of dependence on God and an appreciation of whatever I get in the future, that it's a blessing and privilege and not a sign of my own greatness or monument to hard work.

7 

The sayings of Agur
Two things I request of You

(Deprive me not before I die):

8 

Remove falsehood and lies far from me;

Give me neither poverty nor riches—

Feed me with the food allotted to me;

9 

Lest I be full and deny You,

And say, “Who is the Lord?”

Or lest I be poor and steal,

And profane the name of my God.
Proverbs 30:7-9

That came to mind.

~ Rak Chazak

Personal Life Update: A Promising View

On account of the fact that my internet-warrior phase left me with an unknown amount of enemies in unknown places, it's uncertain just where I would cause more harm than good to my future career prospects, if I go poking my head in. It's safer to lay low and try to avoid asking for help around my university. I already know that there are several faculty members there with the demonstrated intention to shoot down any such effort on my part, if they can help it.

So I can't, or rather, out of an effort to be wise, won't be giving out information regarding where I will be trying to solicit aid, or what field or what career path I'm considering. Nothing like that. I may reveal what I've done after I've been established somewhere. But I know better than to let myself be vulnerable, unnecessarily.

So all I'll say is that I've been able to have a conversation with somebody who was pleased enough with my knowledge of material and generous enough of themselves that they'd be willing to help me get the necessary things done to get a foothold in their workplace, or a workplace like theirs. And it is hopeful to me, because of its close relevance to the exact subject matter I studied just before graduation. An opportunity to use my degree has presented itself. It will take persistence and a number of phone calls to get started. But talking has never been all too difficult for me. :)

It'll take time, whatever happens, for me to get installed with a secure job where I'm now looking to do so. But the gears are set in motion. And it's giving me a more uplifted mood when I'm at work in ye olde fast food restaurant.

Now I have a vision. A hopeful goal to attain to. And as long as I keep the right perspective and don't neglect to pray and trust alone in God and not my own aptitude, I know that whatever the outcome, it will be the very best and at just the right time in His judgment.

The adventure continues.

~ Rak Chazak

Becoming a Christian Takes Work. ( Criticism of "Intellectual" Atheists and Others)

Staying atheist is certainly the more convenient option, if you are lazy. And let's face the facts, most people who live in the West and don't have faith in Christ are definitively lazy.

You have access to more knowledge in a day, without leaving the chair you're sitting at right now, than most people prior to the printing press had access to in their entire lives. A daily newspaper nowadays would be a month's worth of word-of-mouth overheard from travelers as they passed through your town.

The amount of time it took to copy a book just once was the amount of time it took for a person to gather together enough blank pages, ink, not to mention also a copy of the book, and then for him to rewrite every word on the blank pages, before binding the book and starting anew. Knowledge spread very slowly in a horizontal fashion (from one person to contemporaries, people alive at the same time), and knowledge spread through tradition, from parents to children (vertically) was much more effective. Consequently, a person's ideas could take a century or more to catch on, and they'd never live to see the effect of their work. But now history has come to a remarkable place.

We can access anything that anyone anywhere has found out about the past or found written in the past, so long as it has been transcribed or photocopied onto the Internet -- which is to say, any computer or database connected to the Internet information highway, so that anyone else can access the information as long as they are also connected.

And despite all this, the vast majority of people REFUSE to use the Internet to learn anything important!

You there, o atheist. You who have the knowledge of all the world's history at your fingertips, day in and day out, do you go looking for information that confirms and points to the Bible being true and its admonitions having the force of an ultimate Lawgiver behind them? Do you try to prove the Bible and do you go looking for evidence to utterly convince you that Jesus Christ is God, you are a man of sin, you need to repent, and you deserve His judgment but are utterly at the mercy of His unmerited favor in order to escape?

You can't make this claim. And I know from experience (the other benefit of the Internet is that it allows you to sample large amounts of people at a time to see how they think and consider their personal testimonies) that most people who are atheists are not so from being scholarly, studious and disciplined. They took the first lame reason to reject faith they could find, and clung to it, and now they're monstrously irrational and as a consequence of choosing not to think, CAN NOT think.

Always Happy to Reconcile with the Repentant

Work has presented a number of interesting opportunities to consider the relationship I have with other people, and to contemplate from this the relationship God has with us. People in a fast food establishment are typically not your smartest, most responsible, kindest, most mature, most easygoing or for that matter the most Christian people you're going to meet in life. And yet, because you can't run away, you can't scream in agony while on shift, you can't quit and you can't fire them, you're forced, as a co-worker, to just take it, whatever they dish out, whether good or bad.

And it is good and bad. Because no matter how well behaved they might be compared to others, they are still evil. And they are all made in the image of God, and able to do good, and are therefore likable, but even despite this, they may not know God and therefore they don't have His sustaining joy inside and sooner or later show you just how bafflingly unpleasant they can be. Because you don't have the opportunity to end it all, either by walking off, or by forcing them to behave, or by eliminating them from employment, your day-to-day life becomes a prolonged exercise in implementing forgiveness. You can't hold grudges, because you are forced to interact, and are therefore unable to cut them off completely and ignore them, much as you may like. And that also means that no matter how cruelly they may have treated you, no matter how disrespectfully, or ignorantly, or hatefully, in a few days' time they might laugh and be jocular in your presence, and you might tire of your hurt feelings and even chuckle, yourself. 

It's a strange thing. But it doesn't mean they were less wrong. It doesn't mean they are good people because you have to treat them as if they are. It doesn't mean anything like that. It's just easier to let things go than to hold on to them, because the sheer amount of insanity you experience at a workplace like that is too much to remember, frankly. It only hurts you to recall it all. Letting it go--forgiving it--is better for your heart.

Personal Life Update: I Give It A Year

In the upcoming week, I'll pass the milestone of having worked one year at my present workplace. It's an opportunity for reflection. I'm doing a fair job of saving my money, although the income is so small at minimum wage that it's hardly getting anywhere. This stagnation is giving me motivation to pursue change. I figured I'd give myself one year to see what I can accomplish, no matter how effectively or ineffectively I job-search, before I decide to take Desperate Action. The one thing that would keep me in my hometown past a year from now would be if I rise to a manager position where I currently am, or get some other job, that pays $30,000/year or more. If that can't be accomplished, why be a bottom-feeder here if I can just as well be a bottom-feeder where I'd prefer to live? So, I would move. Live in my car and start over in exactly the same place, in some other place.

I was interrupted as I wrote this (by myself), when the woman across the table from me in the library finished creating her schedule. She's a manager at a different restaurant farther up town, and she suggested to me that her company promotes more actively from crewmembers than the one I'm presently at. Seeing as my second 6-month evaluation period is about to pass, if I'm not given a hearty title promotion and a glowing recommendation, what would motivate me to remain? I would remain amicable with the general manager, and I know they'd still appreciate me being able to cover positions for people who call out and when shifts are short-staffed, but it wouldn't hurt to make my primary workplace into something different. An added benefit to this is that with more exposure to different bosses, I would theoretically have a better chance at getting a good recommendation letter for non-food-related work, in the event that a manager who does think I'm a good worker is nevertheless lazy, or their personality is unwilling to help, or if they aren't a good writer.

So it sounds like it wouldn't hurt to apply at this other location.

~ Rak Chazak

Journal Entry: Sputter and Fizzle

Friday, December 27, 2013

A man traveling with two other people waited alone in the restaurant while they went to the bathroom. He stood with his hand in his pockets behind the farthest band of the extendable tape and said, ask me any question you’ve always wanted to know the answer to. He seemed to be addressing both me and [Joe], who were both engaged in cleaning—me, trays; he, odd items and surfaces. I asked him to tell me how many minutes it would be before they would order. He kept trying to ask the question. He then said something like, what is your view/have you heard of the God question? I heard that as, “The God Question,” and endeavored to inject jocularity as I sometimes do in situations where people are being awkwardly confrontational, in order to distract them off their track, so I said that I thought he was talking about a book. He made some unclear statements to the tune of it being an important subject, this could be your only opportunity, are you sure that/what’s your choice?, both before and after I said that I wasn’t authorized to talk about subjects that could potentially offend people while in my capacity as an employee. He said that he was impossible to offend. He sorta just waited around while I was mostly silent thereafter, Joe looked at me confusedly, and the man made a few weak attempts at speaking, as I just mentioned. When [the manager] came to swap out my drawer and put Joe on, he left with the people who were with him. I think I know what he was doing. He seemed to be trying to start a witnessing encounter. He had what he thought was a decent “hook,” and he felt comfortable since the dining room was empty and he in all likelihood was simply passing through, so he felt bolder—not yet quite in his element, however, since his body language, distance from his addressees and fumbling obscurity were an obstacle to getting to the point. His engagement hinged on getting people to be both curious and ask and answer questions with him, but he seemed to not have counted on what he would do if that didn’t happen, or people didn’t engage. He didn’t have a plan B, and he left without leaving a clear Gospel presentation. Suppose he is saved—he just needs to refine his methods and aspire to be less mysterious and more direct with his introduction—and be prepared to make a point even when his hearers are unwilling to talk back. People at work or in a line are a great captive audience; he should expect to talk without them talking at all. Suppose he isn’t saved—it’s fantastic that he left discouraged and I hope he comes to the Truth. Personally, I’m suspicious that the former is true.

~ Rak Chazak 

Extreme Tedium

Tedium is just a 'smarter sounding' word for 'tediousness.' And I like how it evokes the word 'medium,' as in a 'means, substance or force' through which one travels, as if to figuratively imply that tedium is like a thick soup of boredom that one has to slog through and risks getting stuck in. That's how I feel about job-searching on the internet. 

The internet is a great thing in the sense that it allows us to reach out to an infinitude of bits of information, in this case career listings. But the internet has so much stuff in it that your browser can become glutted by useless information that initially seemed promising but in the end is just a waste of time. I bet there's a brain-chemistry relationship between the impulse hoarders feel and the sensation "normal people" (a mythical creature no one has ever seen) have when we abuse the "open in new tab" function as we search youtube videos or articles that cater to our interests.

In the case of jobs, I'm not terribly addicted to clicking on link after link, so the same mechanic that leads to an enjoyable waste of time now leads to an unenjoyable waste of time. Alas, this is a "necessary evil," in the sense that what is evil is what annoys you. Doing stuff you don't get a thrill from doing (while looking for jobs, incidentally) is a good preparation for working a steady job in the future, when tedium is to be expected. 

I just made myself laugh.

~ Rak Chazak