Intimacy in Heaven

I had a dream about Taylor Swift.  And it was lovely. Let me explain.

Article rambles about the presumably non-sexual nature of future relationships, touching on the subject of sex, by comparison, as necessary.

In the late fall, when I first ran into an old high school classmate who was pregnant, I remember her offering as a prayer request some relief from bad dreams. Apparently she too has active dreams, and something to do with hormonal surges while pregnant--or even perhaps spiritual attacks on account of being recently joined in Christian marriage--had been giving her very vivid, upsetting dreams. That stuck out to me, because I too have, on occasion, very vivid dreams. It is rare that I remember dreaming but can't quite describe what I dreamed about. More often, my brain will give me a detailed exposition or adventurous plot and as long as I remain lying prone when I wake up and recall it, I'm able to remember it afterwards. For some reason, sitting up makes it harder to remember what you were just dreaming and then *poof* off it goes into a memory black-hole and you lose the chance to recall it.

In the last year or two, I've had dreams where I was jumping 30 feet in the air, escaping a rampaging dinosaur; saving people from a burning building while an enormous walrus shot lazers at it; fighting the xenomorph from the Aliens franchise with explosive coloring pastels; catching an airplane's landing gear with one arm while holding my dog in the other, to escape a roiling sea of sharks; floating down the Nile and eventually waking up right before becoming crashed into by a wide-eyed hippo riding a tsunami a la Poseidon in this clip from the Odyssey....

And those are the good dreams. Immersive adventures, plenty of imaginary exercise and heroism.

Then there are the bad dreams. I felt a bit reassured when I heard that young woman talk about bad dreams, without going into details. From that, I got an anecdote to support my reasoning that the kinds of things I sometimes see in dreams are not necessarily reflective on my character, or thought process. I don't really have "night-mares," in terms of things that frighten me, anymore. If I wake up wanting to forget it happened, and relieved that nothing I saw was real, it's invariably because I've had extremely explicit dreams of a sexual nature. You see yourself doing certain things with certain people that you just wouldn't ever want to or consciously choose to, in real life. The upsetting part is the reconciliation--while asleep, trying to deal with the cognitive dissonance; coming to grips with the psychological aftermath of what you've committed. In the midst of the dream, I'm having a personal crisis and trying to stop freaking out about "what I've done." Waking up is a sweet relief when you recall that you actually never went against your conscience. Even so, I never remember getting a choice. In bad dreams like those, I'm always launched into the middle of it, where my deeds have been scripted and I don't even have the privilege of exercising refusal. It is absolutely cringe-worthy on every conceivable level.

That's why my dream about Taylor Swift was so refreshing. It was nothing like that.

Anatomy Lesson: Major TMI Warning

This is the warning symbol for explicit details that may bother some people. Turn away now unless your curiosity is stronger than your stomach.

I learned something new about sexual anatomy that changes a few things. The content of this post will touch on a body part connected to people's expectations of intercourse, particularly when it concerns virginity.

Now that I've given enough advance warning, let's delve into it. When you get past the typical High School level Sex Ed, chances are you find out some further details on your own, and in this investigation might learn that 'penis' and 'vagina' are a bit simplistic, there's more going on down there. You might learn about something called the hymen, which the prevailing popular wisdom tends to say is skin that stretches across the walls of the vagina and is broken during first intercourse, resulting in the ubiquitous bleeding that is popularly associated with a woman 'losing her virginity.' I recall that in middle school, the 'vulgar tongue' referred to it as "popping the cherry." Different sources would give you different facts regarding how much blood was expected.

What I found in almost every instance of its description, be it in books, online articles or in casual (very casual) conversation, was that the hymen is supposedly a taut membrane of skin that completely occupies the space somewhere in the vagina, and rips off the vaginal wall, or at least rips straight through the middle, when it is penetrated, either by a penis or a tampon. It never grows back. 

This is wrong. Apparently there is a wide misconception about it, but this is anecdotal and I suppose my own experience isn't extensive enough to make this declaration objectively. Nevertheless, because of this misconception, it appears that the "popular wisdom," again, in terms of advice given to males who are having intercourse with a virgin, is to be quick, making sure to break through fast so that the pain doesn't drag out. Much like the notion that ripping off a bandaid quickly hurts less than pulling it off slowly.

Terrible advice, it turns out. In reality, the hymen is not a "single use tissue," but does in fact grow back. That's because it, like the labia majorae/minorae, is not something that just gets in the way and makes female anatomy confusing, it's a functional anatomical feature that, to my best understanding, helps keep the vagina sanitary by limiting dirt and debris or infectious agents from getting inside.

I wanted an image of filters arranged in a row. The concept is that a little less gets through each step.

And how does this happen? That's because it isn't completely closed off. You may encounter descriptions that say that it has holes in it. Whatever does this mean? Now it makes sense to me. Because it isn't a taut membrane but a sort of valve, and not an obstacle to tampons, fingers, penises etc, it has the ability to open and close depending on the frequency of sexual activity. Think of it more like one of those circular gates, like a lens cover on some cameras, [edit: a SHUTTER] and which you can see in the opening scene to James Bond movies:

It can open and close. And it does open, and stay that way with sustained intercourse over some time. So the prevailing opinion that guys should thrust real quick because it has to hurt, so get it over with, is misguided and hurts women. The reality is that it's better to go slowly. It doesn't have to be painful. And over a little time it will get to a point where it won't be an obstacle anymore. Patience is romantic, guys. 

I understand the idea of waiting doesn't make much sense if the cultural expectation is that you might only be having sex with a girl one time. But then, the whole idea of having sex with someone and being sexually intimate without being emotionally and intellectually intimate, and having a commitment that creates a basis for the physical ecstasy to be much more enjoyable and satisfying, doesn't make much sense, either.

This concludes the anatomy lesson. Let's hope it helps at least one couple, somewhere.

~ Rak Chazak

The Chaos Theory of Impropriety

Chaos Theory encompasses the phenomenon known as the "Butterfly Effect," technically known as "sensitive dependence upon initial conditions." It's a mix of mathematical theory and philosophy that explains why it's difficult to predict the outcome of complicated systems. Weather, for instance. This is where the "Butterfly" analogy comes from. It supposes that the flapping of a butterfly's wings could alter the flow of the air molecules in its immediate vicinity, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events farther in the future. If the butterfly had not flapped its wings at a moment in time, the event cascade leading to a particular future condition would be very different than in the case where the butterfly would have flapped its wings.

Tonight I thought to apply this to relationships. Particularly to moments where two people put themselves in a situation where they are alone, secluded and have a lot of time to kill. We often hear people explain their choices with the phrase "one thing led to another, and...", and this is the essence of Chaos Intimacy. 

As a single guy, I have been blessed to make very few mistakes of my own, and have gained a lot of wisdom by learning from other people's mistakes. That said, while my own experiences haven't been "as bad" (we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others), the sum message that I would give to young people is this: be warned. Don't put yourselves in situations where there's a possibility for "something to happen." You need not be of the opinion that you will do something. You don't need to be able to envision how it could occur. All that is necessary is for two people attracted to each other (or not even that--you only need to not be repulsed) to be alone in a place, where no one can interrupt you, and where there is no structure for your activity. If you haven't set clear boundaries, you're in trouble. There's no guarantee that you will do "something bad," but no matter how "good" you are, I'm writing to let you know, there's something mysterious about or human nature that practically guarantees that if we make ourselves vulnerable to impropriety in such a situation, that we'll have overestimated our fortitude, and we will fall. What may seem innocent at first could accidentally turn into something you didn't expect. Maybe you decide to box or wrestle and someone's privates are touched. This opens the door for further "activity." Your mind, when high on sexual hormones, has an uncanny ability to rationalize what you would "know better" than to do if you were thinking straight.

The Chaos Theory of Impropriety is simply that when something is left to chance, the outcome is unpredictable. Therefore make sure that you set boundaries when you spend time with someone you like. The best thing you can do is to avoid being completely alone together, particularly in one or the other's bedroom. But please also note, it's never too late to call it quits. Just because a line was crossed, it does NOT mean that you have to keep going, or that it doesn't matter if you do it again. You can always walk it back. Making a mistake does not doom you to remain in the place where your actions have landed you. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It's never too late to turn around and recommit yourself to purity.

That's my encouragement to young single people, and people in flirtatious relationships, this evening.

~ Rak Chazak

What a Week!

Wow, that was a lot of work. And I still have assignments to do over the weekend! Suffice it to say that between three classes, I had 4 exams, and two writing assignments for yet another.

As a side note, I have in mind to write a post talking about procrastination at some point in the future.

I just want to make this post right now so that no one gets the impression that the blog is stagnating, already. 

I'd also like to put out a "warning" of sorts: because I have anonymity with this blog (unlike Facebook), I see a niche and opportunity for me to talk about very sensitive subjects -- deeply personal sins, or if not outright sins, very intimate thoughts -- because I'm assuming others have had a similar experience, namely wanting to find something on line that talks about something that matters to you but it's either obscure or sensitive enough that it's unlikely to be easily found in articles anywhere. Topics like masturbation, for example. It's something that most of us are intimately familiar with, but it isn't talked about much. I've done a lot of thinking on that subject, and I think a future article, or series of articles, about that subject may do a lot to provide answers--or at least sympathy--for young people who are wondering about this issue.

This is the first of a few notices I'll give, before suddenly launching into a post on the topic. I wouldn't want someone to be surprised by TMI (too much information). But this is something you can look forward to reading about, if it's something that matters to you or someone you know. I won't be shy in tackling this topic.

Anyone want to stake claims on whether this North Korea situation will fizzle out or turn into the 5th war of this Presidency?

~ Rak Chazak