Thursday, September 4, 2014

AWPATT X: August 28-September 4 (Thoughts 89-96)

89 I also stumbled on the idea that when you have another married couple as your friends, there’s wisdom in not going directly to the opposite-sex spouse, absent the presence of theirs, for advice on how to walk your walk in your marriage or how to handle an issue with your spouse. That sets a precedent that could open the door to impropriety. You do everything together as a couple, which means making friends, too. The only person you can talk to privately ought to be your own spouse, and if not them (say you’re having an issue), notwithstanding a pastor/deacon, you should only talk to the same-sex person in the married couple you’re friends with. If you need to ask something from their spouse, you can ask their spouse to ask them for you, or speak with them both at the same time.

90 I don’t think that would extend to something so banal as “Hey Darlene, can you tell James to bring his specialty paddle for the Scouting rafting trip?” For example. It’s sensitive stuff that merits greater care. Talking about feelings and getting marriage advice is not something you should do 1-on-1 with your friend’s spouse. Nix.

91 [To a female friend, applicable to any female acquaintance of mine that I meet prior to either’s courtship]: I guess with us, by the time you’re married (perhaps engaged, but definitely when married), there wouldn’t be much of a reason for you to ask me my thoughts on certain theological subjects, in the sense of allowing me to inform your opinion. That would be your husband’s prerogative as your Bible teacher, although if you have a ready opinion formed and merely are curious what other believers think, that would be a different sort of way of asking a question. Sure we can talk about these things. But I suspect it wouldn’t be right for me to be your first go-to advisor, or the one whose opinion is more persuasive to you. Your future husband should supplant my role in that at some point.

92 Thinking about certain girls/women I do or have texted, chatted or mailed letters with frequently. Supposing that upon discovering that someone is interested in them, and that it could lead to courtship, if they wished to diminish or cut off most of our communication, that would be eminently reasonable. I would expect my fiancĂ©e-wife to become my main and at last my only female confidant and woman I have either deep or daily conversations with. It’s only logical that the corollary would also be true, that another person should supplant whatever role I may have/had in a young woman’s life when she is courted…

93 …Surely her most intimate companion ought to be her most prominent and influential, no doubt?

94 And to effect that end, I’d gladly withdraw my communication, to give room for a new relationship to form, and avoid causing myself to intrude upon her thoughts.

95 Selflessness removes any possibility to feel hurt by this. It’s only right that our best friends should be our spouses. That means that if you’re someone’s best friend before they’re married, you should expect to be deposed, just as you would have every reason to expect your own spouse to want all of your friendship to be… specially reserved for him or her. Simply by being fair and equitable in extending my thoughts on my relationship to apply to others’ as well, it makes it easy to accept my changing relationship with those who are getting married.

96 I’ve observed that Christian kids who don’t date frivolously, and take it slow, tend to have only one relationship. Nothing happens, nothing happens, and then BOOM! all of a sudden they’re engaged, and married in short order. Simply if the goal is marriage, courtship is demonstrably superior to casual dating in getting to that goal, from what I’ve seen in the relationships of other people.

~ Rak Chazak

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