Silly Obligations

Obligations are things no one forces you to do, but which you have some moral requirement to perform. There can of course be consequences to not fulfilling obligations, but the unique thing about them is that the person who is obligated has total freedom to either perform or neglect to perform what is obligated of them.

Now that the table is set,

People experience different sorts of internal obligations that motivate them to do certain things. Some feel driven to do what they think will relieve poverty, or improve the health and safety of society. But people experience smaller obligations on a day-to-day basis that influence how they interact with other people. Chivalry, for example, drives boys to show respect to women through little acts like opening doors or letting them go first, and most people feel an obligation to say thank you when served food at a dining establishment.

One curious obligation I've imposed on myself is the motivation to go out of my way to give compliments to girls. Not profusely or in any way strangely, but simply more often than I might feel inclined to. I've simply conditioned myself to literally speak my mind, within certain limitations. And here's the reasoning why: my logic is that well-behaved guys might be less likely to be very upfront with personal comments about young women, which is all well and good until you realize that this means that the guys girls are most likely to hear compliments from are jerks, or otherwise unrespectable young men. Since it's in our nature to be grateful to people who are kind to us, my theory is that this is part of the reason that some girls end up with loser boyfriends--because these guys are the only ones she ever hears nice things from. She naturally appreciates their attention, and consequently, is far more likely to find herself in a relationship with such guys than with the guys she probably thinks are "better," but whom she feels ignored by.

My one-man crusade is to stop this. Not because I want to compete, and to get the personal attention of these young women for myself, but because I want to condition them to realize that guys like me do indeed have eyes that can see, a heart that beats red blood, and enough of a suave touch to make them feel excited by the interest and attention I can show them. In my mind, I imagine that I represent the nerdy, socially awkward guys who respect women but can't seem to get their attention. I think that many girls in my age group don't know what they want. If I can help some of them be "awakened" to the realization that a dork like me might actually treat them well then maybe they'll be immunized against the attentions of "bad boys." By simply giving a kind, heartfelt compliment at the end of our conversation, I can turn them on to the idea that inside every (well most) awkward geek(s) is a gentleman and a guy with potential to be a good lover (and I'm not using that in a sexually explicit sense here), then maybe they'll be inspired to wait, rather than settle for what seems like the best option at the time, because they're afraid that if they wait too long the good guys will let them down.

Now it's just a matter of getting the guys on board. I'm busy giving young women I meet the impression that there are other guys like me out there (not to toot my own horn), now I just hope that I haven't misled them. Step up, men! Be gentlemen but be bold! Love is not a passive engagement. You must pursue, for if you don't get her attention, someone else will. And I don't want that to be a bad boy.

I'm sure this'll upset the sexists--er, I mean "feminists." ;)

~ Rak Chazak

All the Nice Girls I Meet Are "Older Women" in Relationships Already

Today I met Caitlin. I have a feeling I've spoken to her before, but I can't remember the conversation. That's typical of me because of the way in which I meet people--namely, spontaneously. I'll walk by somebody and decide to start talking to them. Yes, complete strangers. Because why not? It's nice to talk to people I already know, but you don't meet new people until you talk to someone you don't. I therefore make many many acquaintances as I go about my daily life in public.

The reason I'm so outgoing, despite being an introvert, is worthy to be another story in itself. But suffice it to say, I traveled out of the country at a formative period, when I had just hit puberty, and so I had the opportunity to "practice" talking to strangers -- girls, mainly, but not exclusively -- with the freedom of conscience of knowing that if I embarrassed myself, none of it would follow me home, because I'd never see those people again when I returned to the States. As a result, I figured out how to flirt with girls and I found out that starting conversations with complete strangers was not only easy but enjoyable. And that's what I've been doing ever since.

Caitlin was unsuspecting, sitting outside my class as I left it this morning; amazingly, she found the hard-backed bench in the hallway comfortable. I can almost never find a comfortable public-access chair, couch or bench, and I suspect I'm just an unfortunate height. Or too picky, I suppose. At any rate, I asked if she was waiting for the class after mine, she said no, and then I commented on her "snake-bite" lip piercings. And that was the lead-in. Then the conversation was begun, and we talked about all sorts of things, like exercise and posture, introversion and shyness/outgoing-'itude?' (what's the accusative noun for "outgoing?"--to "have the quality of being" outgoing..? Oh well...), and then we talked about relationships, maturity, what body types are attractive, aging, gender roles and marriage. 

Wow!, right? She wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't started the conversation. So the fact that I took the initiative led to an enjoyable dialogue. I ended up giving her my Facebook and hope to have more conversations like that in the future. I had to leave at some point, because I have a tendency to absorb people into multiple-hour conversations, and she had a class she was reading a paper for. Something about Gandhi, the background behind the famous statements he's made.

One of the things I took away from the conversation was that here was yet another nice young woman whom I happen to connect with on a 'maturity-level' basis. Yet, as I've often found, though I admit it could just be my perception, I seem to be more intellectually attracted toward such women than those a year or more younger than I, and even a large chunk of those who are my age. As it happens, she was "almost 30," she told me, and her mentioning that caused me to recall the time when I was visiting the mall to see a movie in my Freshman year. I would have been 18, and as I stood in line waiting to order at Subway, I came across a lovely young lady who was not only stunningly attractive, but had a great personality. She, to my dismay, was 27. We're simply worlds apart. Different life experiences, different immediate goals, that sort of thing. It made me think, "I can't wait until I'm 27, because that's where the 27-year olds are." It might sound silly, but the main idea is this: the independence and maturity level of girls several years older than me is highly attractive to me, and, not to promote myself, I find that I have much more in common with them. So for me to be able to find a potential love interest, I essentially have to play the waiting game. This is all fine and dandy with me, since I recognize that I'm not financially stable and independent, such that I can put time, effort and money (being broke) into pursuing someone. If an opportunity were to come by at this point, I'd miss it. So for the time being, I'm content with being single, despite the occasional pangs of loneliness.

Now, I didn't yearn to be in a romantic relationship with Caitlin, however. Instead, since I found out early in the conversation that she was in a long-term relationship with a young man, I became interested in what I could learn from her about that. To my surprise, she told me that her boyfriend "did not believe in marriage." What?? I immediately responded, "he needs to grow up/man up." She laughed affirmatively. I can sympathize with the frustration of young women who want to get married but who can't seem to find a guy who has his act together/priorities in order who can give them that. Now, I don't believe that they're in a bad relationship. I know nothing else beyond that, which is all she mentioned before we diverted the topic. But I think the boy she's been dating has a little bit of growing he needs to do. Guys who don't want to marry, ultimately, are not being responsible. They don't want to commit, in one way or another, to loving a woman full-time and not merely enjoying the benefits of a casual relationship without having to work hard  and sacrifice their fleeting desires for the benefit of someone else. That's what marriage ultimately is, a mutual self-sacrifice of your wants for their needs, and comfort. There's nothing better, in my mind, as far as human relationships go. Any guy who doesn't want to get married is just in need of getting his perspective altered. 

I let the cat out of the bag at that point, and asked if she thought her boyfriend would be willing to check out a motivational video if it happened to be a Christian sermon. She herself was definitely interested; I hope they both watch it. I gave her the link to Mark Driscoll's "Marriage and Men" sermon and when I get home to Facebook, I plan to give her the link to this one (which I couldn't remember the name of when we were talking):

Title: Adolescence: Boys Who Can Shave. 23 minutes in length.

This together with the "Marriage and Men" sermon have been the single two most foundational videos I've seen, with regard to forming my own understanding of my responsibility as a man and about what marriage is.

Yeah, most of the girls my age seem to not know what they want, yet. The secret that no one ever tells you in school is that girls don't actually mature faster than guys, that's only true for middle school and until the guys catch up. I've met girls in college whose immaturity would outpace even the immaturity of the worst-behaved class clown from my public school days. I seem to be more drawn to the "older women." Ladies, lest you think otherwise: maturity is sexiest. There's nothing quite as attractive as a woman with integrity. And if I can grow to be a responsible, independent young man with integrity, then that's the sort of woman I hope to meet.

Patiently waiting, 


~ Rak Chazak

Journal Entry: African Girls, Internet Fame, Christian Relationships, and A Video Flashback

Today I found out that one of the girls I'd met at the Dining Hall a week or so ago was in my Physics class. (I'll make use of fake names for the sake of privacy). I recognized Malela when I walked in, but mispronounced her name at first -- I remember the way names are spelled, and the way her name is written doesn't, in my Scandinavian perception, represent the way it sounds to say it. Conveniently, though, it's easier to say than write :) . I had met Malela when a friend of hers, Liara, had been kind enough to use a guest meal to get me into the dining hall for dinner. That was at my request, of course -- you gotta take initiative! It's very hard to get things you don't ask for. As it happened, I ended up being the only fair-skinned person--or guy, for that matter--at the table, though a subtle proof of the fact that I'm about as "post-racial" as you can get is that I didn't really take notice of that fact until about halfway through dinner, and it struck me as more of a curiosity than anything else.

Malela, Liara and Coral all came to dinner today, so after I got done eating with my first round of guests (dinner's a social event for me; I stick around and when the people I've eaten with leave, I go talk to another group, while I digest before potentially getting another course), I went over and joined them. I also recognized Fedora from the first time I met the girls. But I was surprised when another girl (they are ALL African) said to me ((by the way, this is kinda hard/messy to do without actually saying my name, but here goes)), "are you [that guy?]" As I may have briefly mentioned before, I have a bit of a reputation on campus because of my engagement in the university's online community. I'm always nervous when someone first says my name (usually I have no idea who they are at all), because I don't know if they're one of my "haters," or if they're going to want to shake my hand, or what. As it turned out, Ariana was all smiles, and said she'd like to talk to me more in person sometime. She even complimented me by saying my eyes were crystal blue, or something like that. I only mention this, because at least one other girl at the table, maybe two (I have terrible short term memory), also made the same compliment. Malela and Fedora suggested that my suggestion why was right--namely that they don't see such light-colored irises among the people they hang out with, very much, so I kinda stood out as very different. My eyes, of all things.

A brief lesson in being cautious to listen to rumors: the group of girls had somehow gotten the impression that I was a hardcore atheist, due to rumors and controversy due to my postings, so they were cautious to avoid bringing up religion or politics the first time we met. Somehow, Ariana or Coral realized I was a believer, whether by a direct question or seeing a pastor's email in the back of my notebook ('told you I had a bad memory), and everyone seemed to be surprised and a little confused. That's what unchecked rumors can do, even if people who hear them are fairly innocent with no ill intent. At the very least, as I can see from this experience, it makes even the friendliest people be suspicious of you. Now that that was straightened out, though, Coral (who, along with most of the other girls is a believer) made a number of "oooooh now it makes sense why you're so controversial" statements. It does make sense, doesn't it? Atheism isn't controversial at a public university. Christianity is. And when you think about it, that's really sort of sad.

Malela met up with me in the Library later in the evening to do online homework, and after finishing, we took another hour to chit-chat, and I invariably brought up thoughts on marriage and dating. She thought it was neat to run into someone who had put so much thought into mentally preparing myself for it, and decided to ask me what I thought about a "hypothetical" scenario in which a person might say they want to be with you, but in response to you choosing to wait, has decided to actively date other people. My response to that was to think that the person in question wasn't ready for a commitment, since they clearly didn't have the concept of exclusivity nailed down. I asked her if she'd passed along the Mark Driscoll sermon entitled "Marriage and Men" to this guy, and she hadn't heard of it, so I told her I'd email her the link. Then I biked home, yet to my dismay my allergy symptoms have kept me from being able to sleep, so I've actually pulled an all nighter. On the plus side, there's no chance I'll sleep in and miss my class.

*   *   *   *

Below is the video sermon I referenced above. I'm vaguely aware of a minor level of controversy about Mark Driscoll because in his younger days he apparently let curses slip, but in all the videos I've seen of him he's been passionate but not untethered. Then there's an obscure video or two on youtube which indicate Mark's a "charismatic Calvinist," an interesting combination if there ever was one. I'm not aware of everything there is to know about Mark, but if it's any help, everything I've seen has indicated a strong regard for Scripture and orthodox theology; more to the point, this particular video is 100% on the mark. It's great for young women to watch to learn what kind of men they have the right to expect and the behavior that they should expect from them. But the video is directed toward men, particularly young single men, but also an urgent message to young men in irresponsible relationships. I've found it fantastic and have watched it no less than 4 times over the last few years in order to help ensure that I have a right perspective on marriage and masculinity.

I encourage you to watch it and to forward it to young guys you know.

~ Rak Chazak

Pants Adjustment

Today I saw something I rarely see.

It was in the 80s today, temperature-wise. Today happened to mark the first day of the year when I actually felt uncomfortable, at times, due to the heat -- or more accurately, the sun bearing down on my head. Many people were wearing shorts; however, due to the unexpectedly abrupt increase in the warmth, a great many, myself included, still had on long pants. I did decide to wear a t-shirt, before I knew how warm it was outside. Lucky guess.

As I was walking on campus, I passed by a number of students who were taking advantage of the balmy conditions and were hanging around on the grass. In one small group, a girl was standing on the outside of it. Presumably thinking she was discrete, with no one nearby behind her to notice, she engaged in some pretty obvious pushing, pulling, tucking etc of her shorts from the back side.

It interested me, not out of any perverted interest, but because such "adjustment" is not something you see girls do often. They're far more discreet than guys, who will often jostle themselves in quite public places because frankly, fixing the discomfort takes precedence over being 'socially correct.'

It caused me to think of this image:

Which I think captures the cultural context -- because girls are so much...shall we say, "better behaved?" than guys, it's given many of us the impression that some bodily functions simply don't occur in that gender. When was the last time you ever caught a girl in the act of farting? (On rare occasion you might see one belch) But us guys even make jokes to the extent of intentionally farting on each other. Not that this is wrong, or anything. It simply reveals a different attitude towards bodily functions. By and large, guys think they're funny. Now, we know females have the same basic physical needs that we males do...at least in theory...and that's why it's a joke. It's also a joke because those who live in our society know exactly what it's referring to. The mystery of how women manage to cultivate an appearance, in the eyes of men, of being superior physical beings not afflicted with yucky stuff like farts and poop, which have the potential to be turn-offs.

For this reason, I viewed the girl I saw tugging on her pants in about the same way that a bird-watcher might react to an uncommon species of bird -- as a rarity that few people ever encounter. It made me chuckle.

~ Rak Chazak