Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Angst over not Fitting in Among Others

As I'm going through old texts to synthesize AWPATT thoughts out of the mix, I came across an exasperated statement I shared with a friend back in October.

I think it's fitting to share this for honesty as well as to give readers a better understanding of who the person behind these posts are. I'm not just a disembodied commentator, I'm someone who lives in the same world you do and feels a lot of the same things. Maybe I can offer something in the form of a connection -- make you feel like I "get it" -- through the pathos of a lament such as this.

I don't know how to live in this world. I talk too much, or I talk too little. I can't connect with people on either end of the spectrum of my personality, or the middle road either. Flamboyant? An amusement. Quiet? Ignored, mistrusted. Erudite? Disdained and seen as arrogant. Sensitive? Emotional and weak. Disinterested? Hateful. Hard working? Rude. Slow and methodical? Sour, lazy. Casual? Flippant. Serious? Judgmental. Concerned for others? Obnoxious, nosy. Inward oriented? Selfish, unhelpful, unfriendly.

I hate being falsely judged. I have a "but-but" for everything I get criticized for, that if only my explanation were honored, the condemnations would have no foundation. But it's the full scope of people's opinions of me that are misguided. I would have to change who they are 100% to get them to treat me fairly and with respect. In other words, I can never fix it. 

I'm at the mercy of people who choose to dislike me and actually assert that I deserve it for being different from them. And this is right, because I'm in the minority?

~ Rak Chazak

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