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| This post does not speak flippantly or use vulgar terms or graphic descriptions. It does, however, touch on an extremely sensitive subject and employs strong opinions while discussing it, although this is done with an attempt to be sensitive to people who have been hurt by, or are contemplating suicide. Choose whether to read based on how you know you will react. |
Someone I actually sort-of-knew recently died. They were a couple of years younger, and had moved away in the middle of high school, but I'd interacted with them enough that of all the people who have died in my age group from my county, this was the first time it was someone who I'd spent any length of time talking to.
Whereas it appears to have been a drug overdose of some kind, it is unclear whether it was suicide or accidental. When I initially heard about it, the rumors favored suicide, and that's what provoked me to think about the subject. What follows are my thoughts to a friend over text one evening, followed by some further thoughts in response to statements they made in reply.
This is probably going to be very different from anything you've ever read before on the subject, because I don't treat the person who commits suicide as a sympathetic victim. I advise you to think about that before you begin, and while I encourage you to consider my view, I also don't want to unnecessarily offend people who are by nature sensitive and have a hard time dealing with heavy issues in a very straightforward manner. So this is my best effort not to be ham-fisted in how I write. Thanks for reading this before beginning the post proper.
Alert: Read the above introduction before proceeding to digest the body of the post.
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Suicide
is not the answer. If suicide is the question, NO! is the answer. It’s never an
acceptable decision, and if you need convincing just look at how it hurts the
people left behind, even if they barely knew them from school. People who
commit suicide inflict devastating emotional suffering on the people they were
close to. And the effect is cumulative. I have no doubt [someone I know]’s
depression was influenced by the fact that so far, 6 classmates have died, from
suicide, car wrecks and murder. Suicide is one of the most selfish—and
destructive to other people—things a person can do.
You
may rightly surmise that my primary emotion toward people who kill themselves
is anger. I think often people do it to ‘act out’ and think that they’ll make
people feel sorrow. They might be more motivated to do it so they’ll get that
satisfaction of hurting others. [here’s where my tendency to be an insensitive
a-hole can be a benefit, in giving me a clearer perspective than others, not
ruled by emotions of sadness and attempts at sympathy]. Imagine, then, if everyone
made it very clear that “you’re an asshole if you kill yourself and will get no
sympathy.” If that was society’s public attitude toward it, instead of
frenzied, tearful confusion, I think people would be far less motivated to
consider suicide. They might even be deterred from it, since it would be so
blatantly disincentivized. “If you kill yourself, you’re a jerk. And a coward.”
That’s my no-nonsense privately personal opinion on the subject. But I wouldn’t
walk into a group of mourners and say this. I’d say it to the jerk himself, if
I got to him before he took his life.
I
think there’s a culture of tolerance and even acceptance of it. Worse still,
expectation. There seems to be a sense of “I’d understand if you killed
yourself, your life is bad enough to make it worth it.” This is atrocious, but
it’s the logical outcome of devaluing human life. Whereas abortion is both a
prime example of a symptom and a
driving factor, the underlying drivers are far more subtle and common. When you
teach people that there’s nothing after death, and even that death brings a
release and an end to suffering, you make it appealing to people in pain. Neither
claim is true, either. And when you teach that man is just another animal, you
remove the value of human life. “Get rid of spare cats, get rid of spare kids,
what’s the difference?” A well known person once said. If you’ll shoot an
animal to ‘put it out of its misery,’ why wouldn’t that apply to humans if
humans are animals? The logic is far more fundamental. It’s rooted deeeeeeep in
society’s thought patterns. The solution’ll require an uprooting and upheaval
of that thought.
When
I realized there was no way you could ask the question “why?”, because there is
no excuse for it, I instead found the question to be “how dare you?” They knew
it was wrong, knew it wouldn’t solve their problems, knew it would hurt other
people……knew it would hurt other people……they did it out of spite. Their death
was the biggest insult to the love of others that they could possibly muster.
They chose
to inflict that pain, knowing they wouldn’t be there to see the hurt in those
people’s lives. They ran away. They chose to be a coward and refuse to face
life on equal terms. They chose to “ragequit” and forfeit the opportunity to
see how it turns out later on, instead apparently satisfied to see it end in
misery and suffering. The more you think about it, the more your anger, hatred
even, burns for the abuser—for such emotional anguish is certainly emotional
abuse—and you fail to contemplate how in hell you could have any tender
feelings for such a terrible person.
Thoughts
from a conversation with a friend: don’t you pity or mourn the deceased?
My
initial statement was “Eh. Nope, just can’t be sad when people commit suicide.
My primary emotion toward the dead is anger. They are not the victim. Their
family and friends are their victims.”
“Wouldn’t you be sad that a young person lost his chance at redemption?”
Yes.
But that feeling would pass just like shock does. It would go from mourning to
practical response, quickly. It’s sad for them that they wasted their life. But
now if indeed they are in condemnation, there is no pity for them. God
determined that their offense against Him was great enough for infinite hell;
why would we sympathize with them?
“[paraphrase: we don’t sympathize with them, but their family and God, who doesn’t want to see His children burn in hell…imagine it is someone you love – do you cease to love them because they are in hell?]”
Technically,
and this is important, those in Hell are not children of God. Only those who
are adopted in Christ can be called His children. I don’t think love would be
the right word to describe the act of mourning a person who died in their sins.
How
can you love them, seeing love as acting in their best interest to do what is
the greatest good for them? You can do nothing
more for them when they’re dead; they are cut off from the land of the living.
Whether in heaven or hell, your actions can’t do anything to affect their
state. Maybe what you mean is ‘cherish?’ But why, or how can you cherish, hold
dear, someone who hates you and your Father and despises what you hold most dear? It doesn’t make sense to me.
“[paraphrase: you’re making assumptions about their motivations. Can’t people be wrong without being ill willed, in your opinion?]”
There’s
no spectrum in the context of choosing to murder oneself. My view includes and
accounts for what you suggested – they are merely examples of ways that a
person can be depressed or grieved or distraught. But the idea that those
scenarios would be different would imply, nay, betray the wrong belief, that
suicide is acceptable in some circumstances. I refute this. Someone might be
brought to despair by diverse troubles, but despair and suicide are not the
same. When they contemplate suicide and consciously choose to go through with
it, then they have begotten the thought process I describe, whether highly
apparent to them or nearly assumed, taken for granted. We wouldn’t make excuse
for someone who doesn’t “think through” the ramifications of committing murder.
So why for suicide? Therefore, I do not. You are equally guilty no matter how
much thought you put into it.
Epilogue
My
friend thinks I’m cold and heartless. I think those might be accurate
descriptions with regard to this particular issue. I simply do not see where
there is room for “heart” in viewing a self-murderer. I don’t mean to say that
I feel nothing at all. I think my words display quite a bit of strong feeling.
And I can and have grieved very passionately about the injustice and tragedy of
the concept of people dying in their sins, which contains suicide as one manner
in which that occurs. But to anguish over wrong in the world does not mean
sympathizing with the wrongdoer, IN their wrongdoing. I have compassion on
those who are alive, and misled. I feel that on a near-daily basis, the ache of
wanting people to be saved. But that does not mean that I overlook the fact
that they are guilty—as am I—of grave sin that merits a just punishment. If
they refuse forgiveness, then when they are dead, what is there to yearn for
any more, regarding them? There is no going back. They cannot be saved now. For
me to wish that it were otherwise is one thing, that makes sense. But for me to
feel an aching hope for them when there is no hope, that would be foolishness.
We all feel things. I feel just like others do. But it’s important to think
about our feelings and try to find out why we feel them, and what we should
interpret them to mean. I think my friend, in saying that we love those who are
in hell, is misinterpreting their feelings. Now, I haven’t been talking about
the dead who are in heaven, or the dead who we do not know where they are, but
about people who it would be very clear that they died unregenerate. It’s not a
motivation to pronounce judgment that drives me, but a strong desire not to let
feelings interfere with clear thinking. Yes, perhaps it’s cold. But the phrase
“the cold, hard facts” implies just that. The determination of what is right
and wrong to do or say or think will always be a cold calculation. How we apply
our knowledge can take into consideration doing it ‘with warmth,’ such as by
speaking kindly to those who might be more responsive to people who connect
with them on an emotional level. I don’t dispute the reality or value of that.
I just mean to point out that how we connect with others when we talk about the
truth has nothing to do with what the truth is. And I would rather be
stubbornly ‘cold’ than be misunderstood. That’s a personal inclination. I
desire very few things in life more than being understood. What good would
cuddly feelings from others do for me if they were given out of
misunderstanding? I would be living a lie. And those who choose to die because
of irrational emotions rather than thinking about those cold, unfeeling,
heartless facts, are choosing to die for a lie.
Choose
life. It feels better in the end.
~ Rak Chazak
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