231
It’s got to be a good sign when I can go this long without deferring to saying,
“I hope she’ll be friendly.” I’ve perused enough dating profiles from time to
time (mainly out of curiosity, wanting to see what’s out there) that I’ve had
ample opportunity to be dismayed by the shallowness, not of desire (it’s hardly
a lousy character trait to want to be around friendly people) but of the amount
of thought put into what people are looking for. My anecdotal survey of sites
like these turned out that the vast majority of ‘what I’m looking for’
sections, at least for women, say something like “a guy who can make me laugh,”
“a guy with a beard/tattoos,” “a guy my friends will like,” “a guy who doesn’t
say ‘your’ when he should say ‘you’re’,” “a guy who’s taller than me,” “a guy
who can go out or stay home,” “a guy who can keep up with me.”
If
you thought I was superficial when I talked about height in Thoughts #50-52,
you should see some of these profiles. I was just analyzing subconscious
inclinations in myself, but made no hard statement categorically excluding
different heights from “wife potential.” But for many girls on dating sites,
it’s serious, or at least one of the only things they put thought into. But
what I notice when I see those statements is that there’s next to nothing you
can learn about a person’s character based on their meeting those criteria.
Some profiles will pretend that there’s more to be worked through once she’s
interested already, but that just sets you up for a high rate of frustration,
because your filter isn’t tuned well enough.
Yes, I want someone friendly, but in person, that’s the first thing I notice,
and ultimately it’s a given, so it almost doesn’t even enter into the
consideration of what sort of a woman I’m looking for. I have deeper
compatibility concerns in mind than the utmost superficial things imaginable.
And I’m looking for someone with a similar depth of forethought in their
relationship plans. Statements like the ones I quoted show carelessness and
possibly intellectual stupidity, and that’s a turnoff, so I avoid people like
that, but without being disrespectful.
232
I don’t believe I mentioned being interested in a studious woman. I’ve talked
about intelligence, knowledge, that she’s careful to think about things before
making decisions, but not specifically about the pursuit of knowledge in
itself. While someone who goes to school for the sake of schooling, and to
insulate themselves from reality, is not highly appealing, someone who’s had a
certain measure of achievement in terms of education will stand out. Now,
pretentious Type-A’s are exhausting to be on the receiving end of, so not every
personality type is made more magnetic by the increase of education. For some,
it reveals abhorrent ego issues. But perhaps more important is the question of
whether you can learn outside of structured academia. Someone who pursues
learning on their own time is like someone who exercises regularly. They’re not
content to languish with what they already have, but are honing it, to get
better and better, for themselves and others. That is the root attitude that
will benefit any relationship. Because someone who thinks they can improve is
someone who isn’t likely to think that they’ve “already arrived,” and thus is
less apt to be arrogant. It’s not a guarantee, as I mentioned, but a woman who
is reading and learning on her own time is more interesting to me because of
what it implies about her character.
233
Noses! Do you like ‘em big or small? It’s one of those things that I don’t
typically notice, like prescription eyeglasses, but when I do, it’s temporarily
amazing, as I look around and compare others’ to appreciate the variety. I
don’t think I like flattened or broad noses very much, but I’ve been intrigued
by noticing that a diversity in relative size can still be attractive to me. I
remember reading somewhere, where Song of Solomon was being referenced, that
large noses were considered appealing in Hebrew culture (Song makes a big deal
out of the Shulamite woman’s nose in one section). It’s funny, considering that
from ancient Egyptian images of Hebrews to modern day stereotypes, Jews are
characterized as having big noses. This is in the back of my mind every time I
notice an attractive woman who has a noticeably larger than average nose. I
suppose I don’t mind them if they have an isosceles shape, have no bumps on the
ridge, and aren’t over-bulbous or over-pointy. Longer better than shorter.
Thinner rather than thicker. It’s not usually that I think about what shape of
someone’s nose might be more attractive, but I suppose it’s one of the
subconscious impulses in your mind, like head shape, eye spacing, etc, that
work together to give you the instant reflex of “that’s good looking,” or
“that’s kinda odd,” even if you can’t quite put your finger on what makes that
person different from others. Maybe it’s the nose.
234
That thought came from noticing a very friendly woman’s nose in one of my
prerequisite courses I’m taking. I’m diverting to talk about light subjects
before beginning an excursus on “how to approach dating when dating isn’t the
focus/goal/objective.” In each of my classes, there are 5 or less males, making
the ratio something like 1:6 or 1:5 men to women in each respective course.
This is a little odd. I realize the field might be less interesting to men, but
the vast difference could have more to do with a simple, unemphasized detail
that I’ve been noticing in trend reports for higher education. There’s less and
less men, percentage-wise, in higher ed courses, the higher you go. Amazingly,
the focus of grants and government projects is still on getting more women to
go to school, but the tables have already turned. It’s something like a 40-60%
split in the makeup of men and women who attain baccalaureate degrees in this
country (unless perhaps it was Master’s). What are the possible consequences of
this? Statistics show that more boys are born than girls, so it’s not explained
by population. There is a huge chunk of males missing from classrooms. What are
the possible reasons, or consequences? Who knows? No one’s funneling resources
to investigate; it’s as if men don’t matter. Oh, I’m not bitter. It’s just as
easy to take the alternate view, that “women need the help, men don’t.” But I
refuse to take either one. It’s just a fact that no one is obligated to help
me, so whether they do or don’t, the responsibility is still on the individual
to pursue educational success. But I can’t help but wonder if, given the
dramatically high gender disproportion in these classes, it might be within a
course or within the field itself that I meet my future wife, just looking at
it from a statistical possibility perspective. There’s scarcely anywhere else I
could interact personally with so many women close to my age, except for
bars/clubs/concerts or church-related youth events. For a middle ground in
terms of the chance of meeting a wholesome virtuous lady, the classroom is not
a terrible place to be.
235
Addendum to Thoughts #22 & 199. What are the chances that I’ll end up with
a younger woman? As recently as a year or two ago, I would defiantly have
refused the notion that I wouldn’t marry someone within a half year of my age.
But that’s idealism, and the realistic outcome might be different. Should I
refuse someone who’s perfect in every other way but happens to be 5 years my
junior (if I’m 28 and she’s 23, for example)? The older I get, the more likely
this becomes, because the margin of what’s appropriate expands with age. Up to
now, if I had entered a relationship with someone 2 years younger, they’d have
been 21 or less. But now, 2 years younger is 23, which is not quite so young as
to have a high likelihood of being immature or naïve. Since I probably won’t
seriously look for a spouse until age 27-28, anticipating a solid career by
that time, the idea that I’d get to know someone now who’s 22, and maintain a
friendship until then, when she’d be 25, is not very far-fetched.
I
think the reason I’m resistant and cautious to contemplating a relationship
with someone 5-7 years younger, other than the difference in life experience,
is that for most of my life up to now, such an age difference would have been
monumental and clearly inappropriate: 18 and 13 year olds? 22 and 15 year olds?
Eeugh. But people who are 33 and 25 routinely marry, and the brute age
difference is even wider there. But they are in the same age group. Adults.
Because people mature irrespective of their biological age, it could be that a
marriage to a 23 year old, at age 28, would be wiser than to a 27 year old who
is far more foolish. Just letting the thought hit me as actually concerning me,
and not just as a distant hypothetical, is a source of amazement to consider.
The really weird thing about it is pondering where such a person would be now.
If I married a 23 year old at age 29, then by the time I met her and became
engaged, we’d have been 22 and 28, meaning that there’s a possibility that a
woman like that would just now be graduating high school, or a freshman or
sophomore in college. In other words, I’d have no hope of meeting her now,
anyway. Our life trajectories don't intersect at this time. So it may be several years before I’m engaged, not only because I’m
waiting to get a career and stable income, and not only because I want to be
careful to find the right person, but even because, if the ‘playing field’ is
too devoid of suitable candidates my age, my future wife COULD BE, because of
our age difference, not even here yet. Not arrived on scene. Somewhere else
entirely.
What
a mind-boggling thought.
236
Taking those last two thoughts together, there’s a real possibility that I
might either meet someone in church or at university, while taking courses to
get where I want to get. And they might be significantly younger. Respect for
them would demand that I don’t make their life more difficult by ‘jumping the
gun,’ and inadvertently pressuring them to commit long before the opportunity
for engagement arises. But if they turned out to be fond of me, and for those
years did not enter a relationship with another young man, then that would be
gratifying. I can see myself like Boaz (paraphrasing), “you’ve shown me more
kindness than before, because you could have had any younger man you wanted,
but did not.” (Ruth 3:10) It’s equally likely that I can’t find anyone there, either,
however, and may nevertheless resort to a dating site later on, but only God
knows. I have the opportunity to wonder now, that I may marvel later.
How to
Approach Dating when Dating isn’t the Focus, Goal, or Objective
