A Comparison of Single People to Young Children

Here's the main idea I had, which came to me this Sunday after getting to watch young married couples together for the second time that day:

                Young children observing their parents/adults are like single people observing young married couples. The shared way in which they observe and learn is this: it is an instinctive directional growth, to mature into that which you are inherently geared to mentally absorb everything you see about.

Kids are not destined to always remain children. It's commonly known that children notice things that their parents or other adults don't expect them to. And besides simply observing that they pick up on things that they're not often given credit for, I want to posit that the reason kids are like this is because God has geared them that way from the very start. It's in their spiritual DNA (nothing mystical is meant by that) to be influenced by and model behavior of adults. They're made this way so that they'll grow up instinctively, as opposed to growing up being a conscious decision for them to attempt to begin to do. Of course, I'm not denying that children exercise their moral agency in acting out what they imprint from adults. But ask a child why he does what he does, and good luck! They just do. It isn't conscious. 

This brings me to my parallel. While the child might not be conscious of their inherent predilections, I'm older and have spent much time analyzing why I do things, think things, and how and why circumstances are and ought to be. Absent a conversation partner, in moments of solitude I have ample time to devote to introspection. I am, perhaps uniquely among most people my age, or people in general, very capable of psychologically analyzing myself on multiple deep levels. [Caveat: certainly, my conclusions are colored in part by my experience] This is just to preface what I say next: I have noticed myself observing young people in relationships, whenever possible, and I've pondered this and suppose that I'm interested in learning anything--not anything in particular, because I don't know what there is to learn--that I can, by watching how the husband and wife interact with each other, and how they talk about each other in the other's absence, for instance. Body language. Etc.

I settled on an analogy with the young child, because I recognized that it wasn't a primarily rational choice, but an instinct. And also, I have not noticed this with younger people, or people who are clearly in inappropriate or destructive relationships. That led me to hypothesize that I'm naturally geared toward "looking up to" young people who are a few years older than me (3-10), and are married, in a seemingly healthy and joyous relationship. Ah, and that they are or appear to be Christians of sound theology. As you can see, these are all things I yearn for myself--perhaps the child does not know that he yearns to be an adult, but perhaps he does. That's an interesting thought in itself, worth exploring--and so it wouldn't be unreasonable to me at all, if I were to find out that single people do "imprint" on married people. I have some sense of this already, in that unmarried women, perhaps Hollywood-stereotypically, obsess over bridal catalogues and weddings/dresses, because that's what they're drawn to; they want to be a bride. Maybe I'm just experiencing a male version of that. And more low-key, because Hollywood hasn't told me what to think (something to be grateful for, and if I find a lady who hasn't been influenced by the modern conception of what a wedding must be like, sparks may fly...is that phrase usable in a positive way?). 

Keeping an eye out for a good relationship by keeping an eye on good relationships, 

~ Rak Chazak

Journal Treatise: Maturation

Treatise: Maturation

Maturity is the condition of having grown into the form and function which is one's design and destiny to attain to. This definition covers the different categories of things which can mature – acorns, wine, bodies, forests, intellects, and a host of other things, both abstract and physical. Maturity is something that happens over time, but does not necessarily come with time. The acorn could be eaten, the body could be broken, the forest could be burned, the mind might make its thinking futile and fail to mature. When we speak of maturity in reference to persons, we almost certainly always have in mind intellectual maturity – maturity of character, the growth and development of personal integrity and wisdom. A person who is mature is a person whose mind works the way it should – it keeps him out of unnecessary trouble and eschews foolish thoughts, choosing to dwell on wisdom and virtue instead of sense pleasure and that which alters or inhibits the full functioning of the mind, be they chemical drugs or the equally dangerous spiritual sort – false philosophies that turn powerful minds to heaps of dung that have less worth than the mind of most animals.

IQ is not intelligence. It is your capacity to have intelligence (and only by one method of measurement, at that). Everyone has an IQ. Not everyone uses their mind to think to their full potential. Even so, intelligence is not knowledge. It is the ability to acquire, remember, recall, and process volumes of knowledge—brain data. And yet, intelligence does not guarantee understanding. Because even if you’re good at thinking, you can reach the wrong conclusions if you have the wrong initial beliefs. This is parallel to logic—it is easy to reason validly, but valid logic can reach false conclusions. Sound logic is both valid and has true premises, guaranteeing true conclusions. Likewise, intelligence is valid thought but may have false presuppositions, leading to unsound (unwise) conclusions. Sound thinking is what wisdom is. The ability to not just reason, but to reason from true beginnings to true ends. Very few people are wise. You do not need to have much knowledge or a high IQ in order to be wise. You need a requisite level of intelligence in order to access wisdom, but wisdom is more of a gift than the other three. It tends to be given out more unevenly than the others. Vast knowledge and high IQs tend to be found in highly intelligent people – and especially the highly educated – but wisdom is often found in surprising places. Often far removed from the halls of academia or temples to man-made gods, wisdom can be found in the very young and very old, but seems to be scarce among the established leaders in society. And two more things need pointing out: education is not knowledge—it is access to it, through the mediation of another person or persons. Based on who this mediator is, the knowledge gained from education can be great, little, or false. And common sense is a sort of wisdom that is intuitive and typically not learned through abstract educational methods. It is “common” not in that it is found among many people, but in that it is found among the “common” people. Those people who are overlooked by politicians, religious teachers, media and academia alike. As Ecclesiastes says, “more valuable is the whispering of the wise in secret, than the shouts of a ruler among fools.” Those you hear most often are those who are, in general, least worthy of being listened to. Even God, speaking through Solomon, the wisest man to ever live, affirms this. So think about this, when you turn on the tv, peruse the bestsellers in the bookstore, read the newspaper or turn your ear to the local gossip.

Why this aside? Because I needed to define terms. IQ is not intelligence which is not education which is not knowledge which is not wisdom. Common sense is a type of intuitive wisdom that the highly educated, highly intelligent often lack. This may imply that it’s something that can be unlearned, by conscious repression. Wisdom is something that can be learned and developed, but is first and foremost a gift, because you can’t simply figure it out on your own just by sitting down and thinking: you must learn it from others, or learn it through your own experience. And this is where maturity comes into the picture. Maturity of the intellect is the development of wisdom, concomitant with an increase in knowledge that happens naturally when you learn anything true and right.

In my life experience, I’ve discovered two important things about maturity and wisdom. One: maturity is NOT something to be taken for granted; it doesn’t at all necessarily come with age. I have encountered so many “adults” which were more childish than I was at that time in my life, at several junctions.  Most recently, the people on my university's online discussion forum have brought so much shame and disrepute on the estate of 30-50-year-olds in my eyes, that I now no longer have any respect for those older than me simply because of their age. Make no mistake, I’m not implying I disrespect other adults. But I have NO esteem for a person simply on the basis of their age. And anyone who acts like that’s something that should be expected (Grumpy Geezer comes to mind) immediately loses esteem in my eyes. I can’t respect someone who even implies something so monumentally stupid and offensive as that they should deserve respect because they were born longer ago. Does the time of your birth have anything to do with you? Is it your choice? No. You had no choice in when you were born, so if you are to be respected because of your age, it is not because of something you’ve done. In other words, I respect elders because the Bible says I should. I can think of a number of supplemental reasons for why. But I do not have any special respect for anyone simply because of how long they’ve been on the planet. In fact, I have several very good reasons NOT to do that, because of how poorly I have seen such people behave. Those who are “adults” have demonstrated worse behavior than that of any minor I’ve ever met. I’ve met 13 year olds more mature than some 30 year olds. The vast majority of ills in the world are invariably caused by those older than me. Is that something to be proud of? Is that something to respect? Over half of the US Congress, both House and Senate, are senior citizens. Should we blame the young, then? I protest. To summarize: maturity doesn’t come with age, and those who are young are frequently more wise than the average person twice their age. The second observation is this: wisdom can be learned, and is better gotten through having the accumulated wisdom of those older than you bequeathed to you through instruction and/or demonstration, rather than having to strike out on your own, make mistakes, and learn through your own painful experiences. I’m extremely much wiser than I’ve ever been, and I don’t hesitate to say this – and I assure you it is not with pride that I state this, but for emphasis – I am wiser than most people under the age of 60. Here’s the important thing: it’s not my own wisdom. I got it from “sitting under” older men and learning from them. I made careful choices about what sources of information I would trust on the internet and over the course of 3 years I have learned so much I hardly know what to do with it. That’s, incidentally, part of what drives me to write. I’m trying to share what I know. And the funny thing is that right now, I’m talking about how I learned what I’ve learned, and not even what I’ve learned. It’s a meta-discussion. Although technically this is something I’ve learned, as well.

Maturity, since it depends on the acquisition of wisdom, in part, can therefore be learned from others. You can mature slowly or quickly, just like with most things. Why take longer to become the person you’re meant to be? Take action to actively seek out sources of knowledge and wisdom and drink in what they impart to you. Only make sure that it is true and not false wisdom. That will take your own intellect to accomplish. The act of successfully choosing between good and bad, therefore, is in itself part of your growing process. I have matured not only in what I’ve learned from my online sources, but in the process I took to discover and evaluate them. Now I’ve learned how to approach thinking about new things that I don’t completely understand, and that I can now filter out bad from good and teach myself is evidence of my intellectual maturity. I have much further to go, for sure, but I went through mental “boot camp” at an early age, and now won’t have to make the associated mistakes related to having those experiences for myself. I’m in a better position to deal with the things that are coming toward me now and I’ll grow even more from going through them than I otherwise would. You could say that I’ve gotten a “jump start” to growing up, and my secret to doing so was simple: learn from the aged. Find someone in their 60s who has believed what they now believe for several decades, and you know that they’re not likely to doubt themselves. Consequently, they’ll be well equipped to address doubts and confusions that you might have. They’ve thought about what you believe for longer than you’ve been alive, so they’ve got a head start on you and can walk you through the challenges ahead of you better than you could on your own. That’s all. Maturity is not for granted, but it can be acquired faster and better through effort. So make the effort to find it, and wisdom and maturity “beyond your years” can be yours.

All the Nice Girls I Meet Are "Older Women" in Relationships Already

Today I met Caitlin. I have a feeling I've spoken to her before, but I can't remember the conversation. That's typical of me because of the way in which I meet people--namely, spontaneously. I'll walk by somebody and decide to start talking to them. Yes, complete strangers. Because why not? It's nice to talk to people I already know, but you don't meet new people until you talk to someone you don't. I therefore make many many acquaintances as I go about my daily life in public.

The reason I'm so outgoing, despite being an introvert, is worthy to be another story in itself. But suffice it to say, I traveled out of the country at a formative period, when I had just hit puberty, and so I had the opportunity to "practice" talking to strangers -- girls, mainly, but not exclusively -- with the freedom of conscience of knowing that if I embarrassed myself, none of it would follow me home, because I'd never see those people again when I returned to the States. As a result, I figured out how to flirt with girls and I found out that starting conversations with complete strangers was not only easy but enjoyable. And that's what I've been doing ever since.

Caitlin was unsuspecting, sitting outside my class as I left it this morning; amazingly, she found the hard-backed bench in the hallway comfortable. I can almost never find a comfortable public-access chair, couch or bench, and I suspect I'm just an unfortunate height. Or too picky, I suppose. At any rate, I asked if she was waiting for the class after mine, she said no, and then I commented on her "snake-bite" lip piercings. And that was the lead-in. Then the conversation was begun, and we talked about all sorts of things, like exercise and posture, introversion and shyness/outgoing-'itude?' (what's the accusative noun for "outgoing?"--to "have the quality of being" outgoing..? Oh well...), and then we talked about relationships, maturity, what body types are attractive, aging, gender roles and marriage. 

Wow!, right? She wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't started the conversation. So the fact that I took the initiative led to an enjoyable dialogue. I ended up giving her my Facebook and hope to have more conversations like that in the future. I had to leave at some point, because I have a tendency to absorb people into multiple-hour conversations, and she had a class she was reading a paper for. Something about Gandhi, the background behind the famous statements he's made.

One of the things I took away from the conversation was that here was yet another nice young woman whom I happen to connect with on a 'maturity-level' basis. Yet, as I've often found, though I admit it could just be my perception, I seem to be more intellectually attracted toward such women than those a year or more younger than I, and even a large chunk of those who are my age. As it happens, she was "almost 30," she told me, and her mentioning that caused me to recall the time when I was visiting the mall to see a movie in my Freshman year. I would have been 18, and as I stood in line waiting to order at Subway, I came across a lovely young lady who was not only stunningly attractive, but had a great personality. She, to my dismay, was 27. We're simply worlds apart. Different life experiences, different immediate goals, that sort of thing. It made me think, "I can't wait until I'm 27, because that's where the 27-year olds are." It might sound silly, but the main idea is this: the independence and maturity level of girls several years older than me is highly attractive to me, and, not to promote myself, I find that I have much more in common with them. So for me to be able to find a potential love interest, I essentially have to play the waiting game. This is all fine and dandy with me, since I recognize that I'm not financially stable and independent, such that I can put time, effort and money (being broke) into pursuing someone. If an opportunity were to come by at this point, I'd miss it. So for the time being, I'm content with being single, despite the occasional pangs of loneliness.

Now, I didn't yearn to be in a romantic relationship with Caitlin, however. Instead, since I found out early in the conversation that she was in a long-term relationship with a young man, I became interested in what I could learn from her about that. To my surprise, she told me that her boyfriend "did not believe in marriage." What?? I immediately responded, "he needs to grow up/man up." She laughed affirmatively. I can sympathize with the frustration of young women who want to get married but who can't seem to find a guy who has his act together/priorities in order who can give them that. Now, I don't believe that they're in a bad relationship. I know nothing else beyond that, which is all she mentioned before we diverted the topic. But I think the boy she's been dating has a little bit of growing he needs to do. Guys who don't want to marry, ultimately, are not being responsible. They don't want to commit, in one way or another, to loving a woman full-time and not merely enjoying the benefits of a casual relationship without having to work hard  and sacrifice their fleeting desires for the benefit of someone else. That's what marriage ultimately is, a mutual self-sacrifice of your wants for their needs, and comfort. There's nothing better, in my mind, as far as human relationships go. Any guy who doesn't want to get married is just in need of getting his perspective altered. 

I let the cat out of the bag at that point, and asked if she thought her boyfriend would be willing to check out a motivational video if it happened to be a Christian sermon. She herself was definitely interested; I hope they both watch it. I gave her the link to Mark Driscoll's "Marriage and Men" sermon and when I get home to Facebook, I plan to give her the link to this one (which I couldn't remember the name of when we were talking):

Title: Adolescence: Boys Who Can Shave. 23 minutes in length.

This together with the "Marriage and Men" sermon have been the single two most foundational videos I've seen, with regard to forming my own understanding of my responsibility as a man and about what marriage is.

Yeah, most of the girls my age seem to not know what they want, yet. The secret that no one ever tells you in school is that girls don't actually mature faster than guys, that's only true for middle school and until the guys catch up. I've met girls in college whose immaturity would outpace even the immaturity of the worst-behaved class clown from my public school days. I seem to be more drawn to the "older women." Ladies, lest you think otherwise: maturity is sexiest. There's nothing quite as attractive as a woman with integrity. And if I can grow to be a responsible, independent young man with integrity, then that's the sort of woman I hope to meet.

Patiently waiting, 


~ Rak Chazak